The Wicked Witch of the East

Ding-dong, the wicked witch is dead.
from "The Wizard of Oz"

Ah, if only that were the case. Unfortunately, she is alive and well and living in Massachusetts. She is PC's ex-wife. And she gives NEW meaning to controlling, visciousness, manipulating, self-centeredness, and lack of culpability. She is also the queen mother of PAS or parental alienation syndrome.



Given my penchant for quotes, here are a few of her latest:

When asked why she continually circumvents the girls from seeing their father, she replied:
I DO feel very good about my parenting under the dire circumstances you placed us under! The proof is in the pudding!!

When asked why she called our house for the upteenth time (she once called 17 times in a 2 hour period!):
I have to wonder if Laury was lying as she often does about you being there, because I called your office and you didn't answer. I am in no mood to play games.

A Work of Art

We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.
W. Somerset Maugham

Stress paints an ugly picture. So does conflict and anxiety. Recently, the canvas of our life has been stained with the somber hues of unemployment, family upheaval, financial woes, and just strife in general. It has been applied with big, angry brush strokes and anxious, aggravated blobs of pigment. The layers are thick and heavy. Not a pretty sight at all.

On Wednesday, PC and I went to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston for a much needed escape. The general admission exhibits are free on certain evenings, so all it cost was the ride in on the T. We spent four hours strolling down the halls surrounded by amazing works of art. The atmosphere is one of awe, but it is also soothing and relaxing. As we admired each piece, little by little the dark tones left by all of our stresses seemed to brighten. For a few hours, we were able to scrape away the gloom that has obscured our relationship for some time. I was able to see the person that I really love... the smart, kind, funny, patient, endearing man that I was initially attracted to...and to understand why I am still willing to persevere.

Most artists know that it takes time and patience to create a piece of art. The paint doesn't just magically apply itself to the canvas. You have to daub it and brush it on carefully. And if it doesn't look right, you scrape off the paint, and try again. I don't know what kind of picture will result from our life, but I am willing to keep daubing and brushing and scraping until I have created a masterpiece. A masterpiece that will always be an unfinished work of art.

All's Fair in Love and War...Or is It?

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
James A. Baldwin

Why are relationships SO hard? Why can't the fact that you love someone be enough? I have been in this relationship now for almost 3 years, and it seems to be getting harder not easier. Mostly due to the fact that our children aren't willing to allow us to be happy. His kids refuse to accept me, and limit his relationship with them as a way to get back at him for bringing me into the picture. I don't think he will ever be happy without a robust, meaningful relationship with his kids, and they won't ever give that to him while I am in his life. I want to keep persevering, but I wonder if either of us has the stamina. I know that I have made a commitment and I intend to live by that commitment. But, I also feel that I am at war against an insurmountable adversary, and it's a battle that I am constantly losing. Funny, even the syntax I use tells all...at war, battle, adversary, losing.

Is it fair of me to ask him to hold out and wait until his kids come around...IF they do? Is it fair of his kids to continually hijack their relationship with their father because of their anger towards me? I feel that my children, although they are constantly rude, and bitter towards him, are able to handle this situation better. They have not chosen to limit their relationship with me because they are angry at him. (I don't know if that is because of their age, or because they don't have another parent bad-mouthing him ever chance they get.) There are no easy answers for sure, but I still think we have something that is worth fighting for.

Common Vision

Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.
Hugh Mckay

Life is definitely not perfect. And neither am I. However, I seem to be showing my imperfections more and more lately, and it is causing stress and strain on my relationships, particularly my primary one. If it is going to succeed, I need to dig a little deeper, and set aside my own selfish concerns for the good of the relationship.

However, I also believe that in order for any relationship to be successful, that those involved must have a common vision; a goal to work towards. This is a list of what I think I need to be successful and happy in a relationship.

To enjoy each other...emotionally, physically, mentally.

To be each other's best friend.

To trust and feel safe with each other.

To be emotionally and physically faithful.

To work well together as parents and partners of parents (stepparents?) and respect the decisions that we make regarding our children, while also welcoming aid and support from each other.

To share important decisions together.

To respect and value each other's careers.

To be financially secure.

To agree to disagree at times, but to settle our differences in a thoughtful, peaceful, and respectful way.

To communicate our feelings and emotions openly in a thoughtful, constructive way.

To show our love for each other daily.

To have daily private time together and alone.

To make time to nurture our relationship and to value it.

To be happy and healthy...physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

These are the things that I am looking for in my primary relationship. I know that I cannot be happy if I am not at least trying to reach these goals in a mutual fashion. I also know if PC does not share these goals and we are too far off on what we want, then it just won't work...no matter how much we may want it or how hard we try. I hope we can succeed.

Control Freak

Being the control freak that I am, I want to know everything beforehand. At this point I'm just going along for the ride.
Gina Gershon

Once in my not so recent past I was accused of being controlling. At the time, I thought it was based on the deterioration of my marriage. Now I seem to be going through the same cycle all over again. Am I really that controlling? In both instances the issue lies with communication. I feel that it is a basic common courtesy to let your partner know if you are going to be running late, particularly if that time becomes extended. My partners seem (or seemed, in the case of the former) to disagree, and dub me with the "controlling" label. Am I wrong to be upset? Or is this another one of those areas where men and women are bound to be different, and I should just get over myself?

Perspective

When you're in the muck you can only see muck. If you somehow manage to float above it, you still see the muck but you see it from a different perspective. And you see other things too. That's the consolation of philosophy.
David Cronenberg


Relationships are never easy. Especially ones where divorce (yours, theirs, or yours and theirs) is involved. Your future is clouded by the past, and your present seems to exist at the whim of others. You make repairs to your heart and requests for sanity on a daily basis. Simplification and perspective seem to be the key...albeit at this point an almost unattainable key.

Simplification requires change. I know that I cannot change anyone else. I cannot change how others feel, how others react, how others always seem to misunderstand, misrepresent, misuse, and misguide me. But I CAN try to change myself. I can try to get rid of my OWN fears and resentments and how they can cause ME to misunderstand, misrepresent, misuse, and misguide others.

Step number one: The past is the past is the past. I cannot change the past. Therefore, I cannot dwell on the past. (Of course, this is easier said than done!)I need to accept it, reconcile with it, and then move on.

I can’t change the fact that PC was once married to another woman.
I can’t change the fact that PC is loyal to the children they had together.
I can’t change the fact that I have my own issues involving my own children and my own divorce.

I can't change any of these facts...but I can try to change my attitude, how I FEEL about these facts.

Step number two: Control. Someone once accused me of being a control freak. (That someone was of course my ex!) Those who know me well found it highly amusing that anyone would think that of me...someone who is so laidback that they must be made of teflon. Truth is, he may have been right. There are times when I hate being out of control or not being able to control things. Therefore, I need to concentrate on the things that I CAN control...without being that control freak. The past is not under my control, awkward situations and interactions are not under my control, other people are not under my control...as much as I would like them to be sometimes! But I can control myself. I can control how I react to others, to situations, to problems. I can control how I let myself be my own worse enemy...taking on too many things, not taking my meds, procrastinating things, not dealing with my A.D.D. tendencies. And I can control my perspective.

Step number three: Perspective. Keeping it. This will probably be the hardest step for me. I have the tendency to be a perfectionist. Not the I-will-get-it-right-until-it kills-me type of perfectionist, but the I-can-never-get-it-right-so-why-even-bother type. Losing perspective is much too easy for me. It’s almost impossible not to lose sight of what I want when I feel as if I am living in the trenches day to day. There are too many people to please and too many places to fail. And I fail constantly. At those times, my relationships...to PC, my children, my friends and family...become so overwhelming that they feel like a prison. It becomes hard to find a reason to keep fighting the odds, and even harder to believe that I will ever succeed. But it is at those times that it is important for me to get some perspective and regain control (remember step number two?). I cannot let the little things...the hurts, the missteps, the minor tragedies...become full-fledged dramas. Eventually, hopefully, they will all seem like blips on a screen or bumps in the road.

I am sure that, like any recovery, there is a twelve step program in here somewhere. However, I think, at this point, three is more than enough for me to take on.

Love and Regret

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.
David Grayson

"I LOVE YOU." Three simple words, but three very powerful words. I need to say these words to the ones I love much more often. I don't want my heart to be filled with regret because I did not make the effort. My grandparents (all but Grandmom) are gone, and even though they knew how I felt, I probably did not let them know often enough. My oldest daughter struggles with the pressures and pitfalls of teen (Or in her case tween) angst. Too often she hears anger or frustration or disappointment coming through my words, then she does concern or love or support. I need to make a pact to let her know that she is loved. Prince Charming is free with his expressions of love and support to me, and I appreciate it more than I let on. However, I am sure that he can be just as needy as me, so I need to make a concentrated effort to reciprocate. Not because I should or have to, but because I want to. My parents and friends need to hear it from me too. Particularly now that I am isolated here on the East coast. So I guess this is my New Year's resolution for 2006. Probably a much better one than trying to lose weight or exercise more. Although those are probably worthwhile goals, I think this one is much more achievable, and has better end results! (Though a pair of size 6 jeans wouldn't be so bad either!)

Partners and Pasts: A Deaux

While you agree, you are lovers; and when it is over, anything but friends. - Lord Byron

Can and should friendships be allowed to flourish between former flames? Can one be "just friends" with an ex? Emotional intimacy is an important part of any relationship. Therefore, retaining and maintaining a relationship with a previous lover has the cumulative effect of draining that emotional intimacy from the current relationship.

My Prince Charming has just such a past. A past that I was not altogether aware existed. A past with a passion and longing that have (or had) remained. At least until I discovered it.

My insecurities and old wounds compound the issue. I would love to say that I am a strong, and self-confident person. But I am not. I still worry if I am truly capable or worthy of giving and receiving love...at least the kind of love that moves mountains. Therefore, a chance turn of a phrase or a casual e-mail, can cause those old wounds to reopen. My self doubt is constantly questioning...Are you young enough? Pretty enough? Smart enough? Thin enough? There are times when I want to lash out and hurt him the way he has hurt me. Then there are days when I long to contact her...to hear what her role in all this is...perhaps to remind her that she needs to move on as well, that he is mine now. But I don't. And I won't. And I hope that as time passes, memories will fade. For all of us.

Partners and Pasts

Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice. That's what makes the jukebox play. - Willie Nelson

Relationships are a funny thing. We want them. We need them. They have the ability to enlighten us, to empower us, to deceive us, to manipulate us. Dating and relating, however, takes on many new facets when you reach my age (41 years young!). After all, at this stage, even Prince Charming has a past.

So what do you do? Do you embrace your partner's past, knowing that it has had an impact on who they are today? Do you just accept it, knowing that there is no changing it? Do you ignore it, because after all, the past is the past? Just how much of that past do you allow to influence the present?