Twixt and Tweens

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal. - Bill Cosby

Children (especially mine) never cease to amaze me. How is it that I can have a screaming whirling dervish on my hands one minute, and a sweet docile angel the next? How is it that a mere five year old can turn a household inside out and upside down? Or for that matter...a nine, eleven, thirteen, or fifteen year old? Their moods can switch on and off faster than the kitchen lights. And tweens...who invented them? Perhaps, it is God's way of getting us ready for teenagers. Now THAT is something I really dread. I was one once...and just the thought of seeing someone (or something) somewhat like myself at that stage actually scares me.

A.D.D. and Me

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain

My doctor has diagnosed me with adult A.D.D. (Attention Deficit Disorder). Funny. I had never thought of myself as being A.D.D., but when I was rereading the symptoms it was like looking into a mirror. I have always felt a sense of failure and self inadequacy because I couldn't not be organized, was always a bit scattered, terribly messy. Of course, I cannot use this as an excuse for my failings, but at least I can live with the fact that they may be biological and not pyscho-emotional in nature. Will it make things easier? Or will it just complicate my already complicated life even more? Only time will tell.

Partners and Pasts: A Deaux

While you agree, you are lovers; and when it is over, anything but friends. - Lord Byron

Can and should friendships be allowed to flourish between former flames? Can one be "just friends" with an ex? Emotional intimacy is an important part of any relationship. Therefore, retaining and maintaining a relationship with a previous lover has the cumulative effect of draining that emotional intimacy from the current relationship.

My Prince Charming has just such a past. A past that I was not altogether aware existed. A past with a passion and longing that have (or had) remained. At least until I discovered it.

My insecurities and old wounds compound the issue. I would love to say that I am a strong, and self-confident person. But I am not. I still worry if I am truly capable or worthy of giving and receiving love...at least the kind of love that moves mountains. Therefore, a chance turn of a phrase or a casual e-mail, can cause those old wounds to reopen. My self doubt is constantly questioning...Are you young enough? Pretty enough? Smart enough? Thin enough? There are times when I want to lash out and hurt him the way he has hurt me. Then there are days when I long to contact her...to hear what her role in all this is...perhaps to remind her that she needs to move on as well, that he is mine now. But I don't. And I won't. And I hope that as time passes, memories will fade. For all of us.

Partners and Pasts

Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice. That's what makes the jukebox play. - Willie Nelson

Relationships are a funny thing. We want them. We need them. They have the ability to enlighten us, to empower us, to deceive us, to manipulate us. Dating and relating, however, takes on many new facets when you reach my age (41 years young!). After all, at this stage, even Prince Charming has a past.

So what do you do? Do you embrace your partner's past, knowing that it has had an impact on who they are today? Do you just accept it, knowing that there is no changing it? Do you ignore it, because after all, the past is the past? Just how much of that past do you allow to influence the present?

A California Girl in New England

"My sorrow, when she's here with me, thinks these dark days of autumn rain are beautiful as days can be; she loves the bare, the withered tree; she walks the sodden pasture lane." - Robert Frost

Well it is well into Autumn now here in New England. Past peak as some say. The landscape has really changed! The brilliant reds, ochres, and auburns have faded to grey. I can see why some around here dread the passing of the leaves...especially when it's a harbinger of the Winter coming. However, it seems to fit my rather melancholy mood. Although actually, I am looking forward to Winter. It is still rather awe inspiring for a California girl like me to be experiencing four distinct seasons. Already I am seeing things here that I have not seen before...even my own neighbors! Here in the northwest suburbs of Boston, most of the homes are tucked amongst the woods, hidden by the trees. Now that these trees have lost their canopies of leaves, you realize how close your neighbors really are!

As for my melancholy, it comes and goes. I revel in the natural beauty that is here, but I still miss the beauty that is home. And California is still home in so many ways. I miss the ocean, the mountains, and the desert. I miss the city. I miss my friends and my family. I miss being a part of the lives and events of those I love. (Aunt Patti and Uncle Jim's housewarming. Marissa and Ray's new Braden. Caroline and Rick's Halloween party. Kathy's new job. The list could go on and on...) I even miss the Santa Anas.

The Thinks You Can Think

"Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!"

The words of Theodor Geisel, the immortal Dr. Suess. Perhaps I have a bit of a bias, being a teacher and all, but the simple words of this man always seem to hit home to me. And since I have been doing far too much thinking as of late, I have decided to transpose all of these circuitous, random thoughts that are constantly whirling about in my brain into something legible, understandable, and perhaps even readable...at least by my twisted logic!