Thursday, June 29, 2006

Missing

Let your children go if you want to keep them.
Malcolm Forbes


The girls left for Florida early Tuesday morning. Hyperbaby cried when I put her in the car. This is what I hate most about the divorce. Being without my children. I know that it must be even worse for their father...he only gets them full time in the summer. I wish there was some way to make it easier. I look at their faces and they are so conflicted; they don't want to hurt either of us. Their relationship with their dad is too important, so I have to let them go. But I still hate it.

Friday, June 23, 2006

To Every Season...

For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity.
William Penn


A friend of mine is amazing at keeping our circle updated on friends near and far who have scattered since high school. Recently she emailed me a note sent to her from one of these friends:

Hello dear friends,

I will be brief. * is in the hospital again. After a great day and evening, * came to me unable to swallow. We went straight to * emergency, and had a ct scan. He has another small bleed in his brain. He cannot speak at all, and can barely swallow, so is drooling a lot, and gagging on his own saliva a bit. He is able to communicate by writing notes – and he does this quite handily. We spent last night in the e.r. also – for hip and groin pain. So, I am home for a few hours. The skin under my eyes feels like paper about to tear – from many hours awake, lots of tears and rubbing.

Please join me in praying that * will feel God’s presence and comfort like never before. He was a bit scared tonight, but I think he is doing better now. I wish desperately for him to claim God’s peace. Of course, I feel much better when I see reassurance in his eyes.

I’ll write more later, but I thought you’d want to know what was going on. * and I have had a wonderful several months – many important conversations and prayers took place. Whatever “unfinished business” we had has been finished... with grace and love.


and later...

After several hours, scans revealed that it was a mass on his brain stem that caused the insult and that is inoperable. After much examination and thought by our team of docs, our options were aggressive treatments or hopsice. So, * started hospice today. We had a big party planned on Saturday and did not cancel it. The docs let him come home for 8 hours for the party, and the fire chief escorted him home in Engine 1 - the rig he used to drive. We had planned for about 80 people, but probably had about 180, with all the firefighters and others that came to see *. He was wonderful - fatigued, but happy to see everyone and they were so grateful for an opportunity to see him. Very emotional. Yesterday he had a feeding tube put into his stomach and he came home today. We are so happy to have him at home. We are sad, but not worried.


My friend spoke to her this week and this is what she had to say..."The doctors told * they have a few weeks left, at least two, so she is hoping for some nice, peaceful family time this next week. She sounds really good, she said that she has been grieving so long that the end is not making her hysterical."

I cannot imagine what she must be going through at a time like this. I hope I never have to. It makes my problems seems so insignificant and trivial.

To anyone who reads this, please take a moment to pray that they may have peace and solace in this difficult time.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Still Jobless, But Less Joyless

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Alexander Graham Bell


So I am jobless. There has to be a reason why I am. At first I thought perhaps this was God's way of punishing me for some of the choices I have made with my life, but as the disappointment wears off I realize that is simply not true. I think that it is more likely that He wants me to look inside and see my strengths (yes Laury, you WILL be able to get through this temporary roadblock...yes Laury, you ARE a great teacher, and the right person will see that...etc), something I am often afraid of doing. Self doubt and self incertitude is a cancer that eats at you from within. But it is also a drug that can give you a temporary high from the negative emotions that emanate, and it eventually becomes addictive. You need to increase the negative thoughts and feelings to maintain the levels of anger and disappointment. And usually this results in taking things out on others. I see this in myself constantly. I don't know if this is a symptom or result of my A.D.D., but there are times I relish conflict. It gives me a misconstrued power. It lets me project my strife onto others, so I don't have to focus inward.

I don't know how I am going to pay the bills, and keep my sanity if I don't find a job. But I won't let it depress me. (Worry me...yes. Depress me...no.) I will instead use this time to strengthen the inner me. Less conflict and more concord. Less discord and more harmony...with myself and others. And, then, when I am ready, the right job will come along. The one I am MEANT to have. (Though I DO hope that it happens sooner than later!)

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Friday, June 16, 2006

Jobless and Joyless

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
Harry S. Truman

Well, as of Thursday I will be officially unemployed. 17 years of teaching, and now I can't find a job to save my life. The one set of interviews I DID have didn't pan out. Two rounds later, they decided to go with someone else. Most school districts won't even LOOK at me because I don't have an EdM, but how can I go back to school if I don't have a job to pay for it? The media says that there are all these teachers retiring, but what they don't tell you is that there are 10 teachers waiting in the wings vying for each job opening. And at my age, I've been around the block one time too many times. I'm either too expensive, or not educated enough (Doesn't experience count for anything!), or just not the right fit somehow. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that it is time to look for a new career, but I don't know what else I could do that wouldn't mean starting over at the entry level. All I DO know is that this really sucks!

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Sunday, June 11, 2006

Sleepless in Suburbia

If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep.
Dale Carnegie


It is now 4 a.m.in the morning and I can't sleep. Not sure if it because I didn't take the Adderall until late morning or if it is just stress. After all, my parents are here for a visit, I am still obsessing on my impending unemployment, and I have been feuding with PC all weekend. Spent the last two evenings chasing HyperBaby through restaurants, still waiting to hear the results from Friday's job interview. 27 districts and only one interview so far? What am I doing wrong? It would be a plum position though. Less than 15 minutes from home, and only a little more than $10K less than what I was making in California, instead of the almost $20K less that I am making now!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Med-itations

The medicine increases the disease.
Virgil


I hate taking my meds. I know that there are times that they do make me feel alot better. And there are times when they make me feel more focused and sane. However, there are many times when I feel that they drain all of my essence out of me. I feel like a faded image of my former self. That all the life, all the spunk, all the creativity has disappeared and left this empty shell.

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Sunday, June 04, 2006

All's Fair in Love and War...Or is It?

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
James A. Baldwin

Why are relationships SO hard? Why can't the fact that you love someone be enough? I have been in this relationship now for almost 3 years, and it seems to be getting harder not easier. Mostly due to the fact that our children aren't willing to allow us to be happy. His kids refuse to accept me, and limit his relationship with them as a way to get back at him for bringing me into the picture. I don't think he will ever be happy without a robust, meaningful relationship with his kids, and they won't ever give that to him while I am in his life. I want to keep persevering, but I wonder if either of us has the stamina. I know that I have made a commitment and I intend to live by that commitment. But, I also feel that I am at war against an insurmountable adversary, and it's a battle that I am constantly losing. Funny, even the syntax I use tells all...at war, battle, adversary, losing.

Is it fair of me to ask him to hold out and wait until his kids come around...IF they do? Is it fair of his kids to continually hijack their relationship with their father because of their anger towards me? I feel that my children, although they are constantly rude, and bitter towards him, are able to handle this situation better. They have not chosen to limit their relationship with me because they are angry at him. (I don't know if that is because of their age, or because they don't have another parent bad-mouthing him ever chance they get.) There are no easy answers for sure, but I still think we have something that is worth fighting for.

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