Still Jobless, But Less Joyless

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Alexander Graham Bell

So I am jobless. There has to be a reason why I am. At first I thought perhaps this was God's way of punishing me for some of the choices I have made with my life, but as the disappointment wears off I realize that is simply not true. I think that it is more likely that He wants me to look inside and see my strengths (yes Laury, you WILL be able to get through this temporary roadblock...yes Laury, you ARE a great teacher, and the right person will see that...etc), something I am often afraid of doing. Self doubt and self incertitude is a cancer that eats at you from within. But it is also a drug that can give you a temporary high from the negative emotions that emanate, and it eventually becomes addictive. You need to increase the negative thoughts and feelings to maintain the levels of anger and disappointment. And usually this results in taking things out on others. I see this in myself constantly. I don't know if this is a symptom or result of my A.D.D., but there are times I relish conflict. It gives me a misconstrued power. It lets me project my strife onto others, so I don't have to focus inward.

I don't know how I am going to pay the bills, and keep my sanity if I don't find a job. But I won't let it depress me. (Worry me...yes. Depress me...no.) I will instead use this time to strengthen the inner me. Less conflict and more concord. Less discord and more harmony...with myself and others. And, then, when I am ready, the right job will come along. The one I am MEANT to have. (Though I DO hope that it happens sooner than later!)