A.D.D.endum

Everyone I know has attention deficit, and they say it with great pride. It's a bad time to be right.
Joni Mitchell

So it has been three months since I was first diagnosed with A.D.D. My doctor put me on a drug called Wellbutrin that is supposed to elevate my mood and help me focus better. However, I don't think it is quite working the way that it should. When I take it (and I don't always remember to take it) my mood is definitely uplifted. I am also able to see things from a clearer perspective. And THAT is the problem. Pre-A.D.D. I knew that I was kind of scattered, kind of cluttered, but I was able to get through life in a somewhat absent minded fog. I was, some might say, the classic ditzy blonde. Now post-A.D.D. I am taking the meds and everything is definitely clearer. However, it only seems to illuminate every fault and every flaw. My blissful oblivion has become a woeful cognizance. My clutter has become chaos. My lack of focus has become an excess of distraction. I have traded in delight for distress, contentment for resentment. I can't seem to get anything under control...my chores, my schedules, my temper, even my laundry. Everything seems overwhelming and unmanagable. I almost welcome my once complaisant absentmindedness. It is better than my current self-deprecating cognizance.

Gotta Get Moving

I love cooking, I love reading, I love anything that doesn't take too much exercise!
Bea Arthur

I hate to exercise. I consider it one of the most boring things to do on the planet. Unfortunately it is a neccessary evil. And I need to do more of that evil. When I lived in California, I belonged to a gym and went regularly. It wasn't that much fun, but I did feel better after I went. I also had a trainer who was really good at motivating me to do "just 10 more!" I can still hear her saying "C'mon girl! You can do it!" Now that I am here in New England, I have turned into a schlump. I need to go do something about, but I am at a loss about where to begin. I'd like to go to a gym, but don't know if I can because of finances. Doing anything outside is a bust because it is so damn cold! Plus, I really am not the athletic type so if I tried any sport, the only exercise I would get is chasing wayward balls. So what's a girl to do?

No Focus

Focus is a matter of deciding what things you're not going to do.
John Carmack

I can't seem to focus on anything right now. This week I have a week off. There are all these projects lined up in my mind and this week would be a perfect time to get them done. Yet I haven't been able to finish a single one! I have started a few, but always seem to get sidetracked. Or distracted. Or discouraged. Or overwhelmed. I think my house even looks worse than it did before I started! If that could be possible. Now, it is late Thurday afternoon, and my vacation is almost over. What do I have to show for it? What have I accomplished? NOTHING!

Perspective

When you're in the muck you can only see muck. If you somehow manage to float above it, you still see the muck but you see it from a different perspective. And you see other things too. That's the consolation of philosophy.
David Cronenberg


Relationships are never easy. Especially ones where divorce (yours, theirs, or yours and theirs) is involved. Your future is clouded by the past, and your present seems to exist at the whim of others. You make repairs to your heart and requests for sanity on a daily basis. Simplification and perspective seem to be the key...albeit at this point an almost unattainable key.

Simplification requires change. I know that I cannot change anyone else. I cannot change how others feel, how others react, how others always seem to misunderstand, misrepresent, misuse, and misguide me. But I CAN try to change myself. I can try to get rid of my OWN fears and resentments and how they can cause ME to misunderstand, misrepresent, misuse, and misguide others.

Step number one: The past is the past is the past. I cannot change the past. Therefore, I cannot dwell on the past. (Of course, this is easier said than done!)I need to accept it, reconcile with it, and then move on.

I can’t change the fact that PC was once married to another woman.
I can’t change the fact that PC is loyal to the children they had together.
I can’t change the fact that I have my own issues involving my own children and my own divorce.

I can't change any of these facts...but I can try to change my attitude, how I FEEL about these facts.

Step number two: Control. Someone once accused me of being a control freak. (That someone was of course my ex!) Those who know me well found it highly amusing that anyone would think that of me...someone who is so laidback that they must be made of teflon. Truth is, he may have been right. There are times when I hate being out of control or not being able to control things. Therefore, I need to concentrate on the things that I CAN control...without being that control freak. The past is not under my control, awkward situations and interactions are not under my control, other people are not under my control...as much as I would like them to be sometimes! But I can control myself. I can control how I react to others, to situations, to problems. I can control how I let myself be my own worse enemy...taking on too many things, not taking my meds, procrastinating things, not dealing with my A.D.D. tendencies. And I can control my perspective.

Step number three: Perspective. Keeping it. This will probably be the hardest step for me. I have the tendency to be a perfectionist. Not the I-will-get-it-right-until-it kills-me type of perfectionist, but the I-can-never-get-it-right-so-why-even-bother type. Losing perspective is much too easy for me. It’s almost impossible not to lose sight of what I want when I feel as if I am living in the trenches day to day. There are too many people to please and too many places to fail. And I fail constantly. At those times, my relationships...to PC, my children, my friends and family...become so overwhelming that they feel like a prison. It becomes hard to find a reason to keep fighting the odds, and even harder to believe that I will ever succeed. But it is at those times that it is important for me to get some perspective and regain control (remember step number two?). I cannot let the little things...the hurts, the missteps, the minor tragedies...become full-fledged dramas. Eventually, hopefully, they will all seem like blips on a screen or bumps in the road.

I am sure that, like any recovery, there is a twelve step program in here somewhere. However, I think, at this point, three is more than enough for me to take on.

Bitchfest

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

Okay, I really hadn't planned for this blog to be so negative. But it seems to me, the only times I sit down long enough to write are the times when I am angry or hurt or frustrated or...you get the picture. Anyway, I guess perhaps the mindlessness, senselessness, and anonymity of venting in cyberspace is somehow cathartic. Hopefully I will be able to gain some perspective. And eventually be able to write something more interesting than a rant.

If This is the Game of Life...Then I am Losing

Why does a person even get up in the morning? You have breakfast, you floss your teeth so you'll have healthy gums in your old age, and then you get in your car and drive down I-10 and die. Life is so stupid I can't stand it.
Barbara Kingsolver

Ok. So I have a life. And by most accounts, some people would say I have a good one. So why am I not happy? Why do I feel so trapped? I feel utterly lost and alone. I was a single parent before...which was tough sometimes. But now, I am a single parent WITHOUT my support system. I have no way to escape my every day, day-to-day, dreary existance. I go to work...a job I am not altogether enthused about, come home, cook, try to clean, go to bed. Then get up and do the same thing the next day. I have no solace, no escape...things that an introvert like me desperately need. When will things get better? Will they at all?