The Dog Jabberer

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg

I am addicted to watching the Dog Whisperer. It stars a man named Cesar Millan who runs the Dog Psychology Center in Los Angeles. He is often called "the Dr. Phil for dogs" due to his ability to rehabilitate wayward or precocious pups. "But therapy doesn't stop with the pets. Cesar often has to re-train the dogs' owners to be more effective leaders for their furry friends." Unfortunately, watching does not translate into having the perfectly trained pooch. I am NOT a great pack leader according to Cesar Millan. I definitely need some retraining.

His formula for a contented and balanced dog seems impossibly simple: exercise, discipline, and affection, in that order. Hold on! I have kids, and I KNOW that those things are far from simple! The affection part is easy. Except when the dog has gotten a hold of your favorite black flats and chewed on them. And the leather flip flops. And the pair of come-f**k-me heels. Exercise? I have a hard enough time with that one myself. Besides, I thought dogs came by that naturally. Not so, according to Cesar. And then there is the discipline. "A dog that doesn't trust its human to be a good pack leader becomes unbalanced and often exhibits unwanted or anti-social behaviors," admonishes Mr. Millan. It's true, but as far as I am concerned, I think that I am the unbalanced one.

I have watched religiously and tried to practice what I have seen on my own dog-boy aka Baxter. Bax is a year old black lab/border collie mix that we got through a rescue group. He has all of the best traits of his two breeds... he is friendly, smart, and loyal...and all of the worst too. He can be fetch-obsessed at times, usually right around the dinner-bedtime routine. He's a herder; he likes to nip at our heels to get us moving. And he demands more attention than my five year old! I am hoping that much of this is due to his "youthful"exuberance, after all dogs don't fully mature until around 2 years of age. However, in the back of my mind, I think I am creating a monster. A monster who loves to counter-surf and lick my toes (eewww). A monster who chortles and rowrr-ruff-rowrrs (pay attention to ME!) during important phone calls. A monster who refuses to go for walks because, even though we have taken off the radio collar, he still thinks he is going to get zapped. (I told you he was smart!) A monster who looks at you with his big brown puppy eyes and wags his tail the minute you walk through the door. (I missed you. You only went t o the mailbox and back...but I missed you!) A monster who has wormed his way into our hearts...and costs a small fortune in heartworm meds!

So, here's hoping that a few more episodes will turn this dog jabberer into a dog whisperer. Cesar, when are you coming to Boston? I need you!