Power Struggle

Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment.
Mohandas Gandhi

PC has a membership to a local pool club. His ex and his daughters are also on the membership. I am not. He made an agreement with his daughters that if he was going to go to the pool, that he would call ahead of time to let them know he was coming. When he called today, they told him that no, he couldn't go because they would be there, and "we don't want to have to see THAT woman." The original agreement was that he would call to INFORM them. They took it upon themselves to mean that he would not go if they were planning to do so. The girls are 16 and 13, so they are at that age where they are already trying to assert their independence from their parents. However, due to the situation, they can use it to give meaning to their struggles for independence.

Consequently, he didn't want to go because he is afraid of the conflict. The girls are constantly telling him when he can see them, refuse to come to our house, and are telling him that he is choosing me over them. I feel that they are playing on his guilt and totally manipulating him. I feel that if he continues to allow it, that he is, in a sense, handing them the power in their relationship. They won't be able to be manipulative in the real world, so what is he teaching them by allowing them to do it to him? I think that he should expect that, yes, there will be conflict, and they will be mad....because they are not getting things their way...but in the long run it teaches them an important lesson.

Another problem is that their mother enables them. She says that she will not "run interference" between them, that HE is creating the rift with his daughters due to his actions, and that she "pays the consequences" afterwards when she has to "mop up." She refuses to inforce the visitations, saying that they can choose whether or not they want to see him, but then blames him for the fact that don't visit which cuts into her "adult" time. Sometimes, the arguments I hear from the children about why they don't like me, the situation, etc. are repeats of things that I have heard her say. I am sure that she is unintentionally poisoning their view of their father with her words and actions.

We did end up going to the club. Mom and oldest daughter were there. She refused to aknowledge her father's presence the entire time we were there, but made sure we knew she was there by walking back and forth repeatedly. If it weren't such a sad situation, it would have been comical because she had to take the long way around the pool to do so.

The fallout hasn't hit yet, but I am sure it will soon.