Looking for Flowers

For happiness one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh


Is it possible that there is calm in uncertainty? Or am I still suffering from utter disbelief? Things have definitely gone from bad to worse. Not only am I still jobless, but on Wendesday PC got laid off. Corporate "restructuring". (I will save my diatribe against the inhumanity of the executive echelons in the corporate world towards their employees for another post.) Yet I am surprisingly stoic about it. Sure there have been tears and anguish combined with doubt and worry, but I am trying to put up a brave face. One of us has to stay strong.

Yet, I am still worried. Mostly about the house. I have lived on less money, so that is not an issue. The house itself isn't even really an issue. It is the effect that losing the house would have on my children that plagues me. I am already incredibly guilty about uprooting them and dragging them clear acrosss the country so that I could maintain a relationship. Now that they have adjusted to life here, created new friendships...stronger than ones they have had in the past, I am running the risk of having to uproot them yet again. And I have to fight back the resentment I am feeling. PC told the ex that her rent will be paid. If he does that how will we pay the mortgage? Is it fair that they get to keep a roof over their head, while we are in danger of losing ours? Is my kids' emotional and physical well being any less important?

So right now I am looking for those flowers of joy, knowing that there may not be very many of them. But I am still looking. And hoping.