A Work of Art

We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.
W. Somerset Maugham

Stress paints an ugly picture. So does conflict and anxiety. Recently, the canvas of our life has been stained with the somber hues of unemployment, family upheaval, financial woes, and just strife in general. It has been applied with big, angry brush strokes and anxious, aggravated blobs of pigment. The layers are thick and heavy. Not a pretty sight at all.

On Wednesday, PC and I went to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston for a much needed escape. The general admission exhibits are free on certain evenings, so all it cost was the ride in on the T. We spent four hours strolling down the halls surrounded by amazing works of art. The atmosphere is one of awe, but it is also soothing and relaxing. As we admired each piece, little by little the dark tones left by all of our stresses seemed to brighten. For a few hours, we were able to scrape away the gloom that has obscured our relationship for some time. I was able to see the person that I really love... the smart, kind, funny, patient, endearing man that I was initially attracted to...and to understand why I am still willing to persevere.

Most artists know that it takes time and patience to create a piece of art. The paint doesn't just magically apply itself to the canvas. You have to daub it and brush it on carefully. And if it doesn't look right, you scrape off the paint, and try again. I don't know what kind of picture will result from our life, but I am willing to keep daubing and brushing and scraping until I have created a masterpiece. A masterpiece that will always be an unfinished work of art.

Simple Things

It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all.
Laura Ingalls Wilder

Lately there has been way too much stress in my life. Unfortunately, I have been letting that stress get the best of me. So instead of ranting as I usually do, I decided to take a step back and think of the things that really matter in the long run. The simple things of life:

*a smile from the baby behind you in line at the grocery store

*a call from an old friend that you haven't heard from for awhile

*finding that dress that you just know makes you look awesome

*that dress on sale

*a hug from someone that tells you that you really do matter

*a cat's purr of contentment

*a dog putting his nose under your hand just asking to be petted

*discovering a beautiful blossom tucked into the corner of the garden

*the words "I love you Mommy"

*kindness from a stranger

*doing something kind for a stranger

*realizing the soothing strength of simple things

Here Kitty, Kitty!

My house is run, essentially, by an adopted, fully clawed cat.
Anthony Bourdain

I have discovered that one of my beloved cats is diabetic. He has always been a little bit on the chubby side, but in the last few months he had been losing weight at a rather dramatic pace. Now, mind you, he has always been a large cat, even before the chubbiness set in. But in the last 3 months he went from 20 lbs. to 15 lbs.

And so it began. After one visit to the vet, one urinalysis, one blood test, and $210, I discover he is diabetic. $45 later, he has a brand new, improved, specialized diet (that will last maybe a month...month and a half if I am lucky). Then it is off to the pharmacy for insulin and needles. What do you mean my insurance won't cover him? Ka-ching! Another $115.

Now he is residing comfortably for the next two days at le Spa de Veterinary so that they can monitor his reaction to the insulin. After another $350-$400, I can pick him up and bring him home! After that there will be the daily blood tests and insulin injections. And yes, more uninsured trips to the pharmacy.

Yes, it seems to be an awful lot of money to spend on an animal, but he is so much more than that. He is the small kitten, who along with his brother, appeared outside our cabin in the snow on cold Thanksgiving. He is the cat who endured being dressed up, dragged around, and wheeled in a stroller by two little girls. He is the cat who bears the name of a fish with pride because my daughters had a fascination for all things "The Little Mermaid." He is the cat who slept at my feet when my bed was empty, and seemed to always know when to come around with a cuddle and a purr when I was down. He is the cat who still managed (or at least tried) to fit on my lap during my final pregnancy, and endured having his tail pulled and his hair yanked with dignity by the strange little creature that arrived soon after. He is more than a mere pet. He is a member of the family. And like any member of the family, I would do anything for him.

Eros Diluted

Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it.
D.H. Lawrence

What is it with men and porn? I have heard a number of excuses from different men, but they all seem to say the same thing...it is harmless, it means nothing, it is liberating, it makes me crave REAL sex more. I once read that women should see men's interest in porn as sort of an appetizer, something that would whet their appetite for the real thing. But haven't you ever gone to a party and eaten so many appetizers that, by the time the main course arrived, you were too full to eat?

Unfortunately, the Internet has taken porn from its seedy origins to complacency. It has become mainstream. Need a stress reliever? Use porn! Need to spice up your marriage? Use porn! Want to be the "cool girl" on campus? Use porn! But porn doesn't really whet men's appetites, it just turns them off of the real thing.

There's an episode of Friends - The One With The Free Porn - in which Chandler and Joey discover they have tuned into a porn channel. And it's free. They leave the TV on, afraid switching off will mean no more pornography. By the end of the episode, Chandler is seeing the world through porn-tinted spectacles. "I was just at the bank," he complains, "and the teller didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault." Joey, bewildered, reports a similar reaction from the pizza-delivery girl. "You know what," decides Chandler, "we have to turn off the porn."

Porn creates unrealistic values that women then have to live up to. How can we possibly compare to the air-brushed, silicone-enhanced Amazons who not only willingly but enthusiastically submit to any guy's misogynistic fantasies. Naomi Wolf compares our diet of pornography to our unhealthy consumption of fast-food, asserting that "if your appetite is stimulated and fed by poor-quality material, it takes more junk to fill you up. People are not closer because of porn but further apart; people are not more turned on in their daily lives but less so."

Power Struggle

Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment.
Mohandas Gandhi

PC has a membership to a local pool club. His ex and his daughters are also on the membership. I am not. He made an agreement with his daughters that if he was going to go to the pool, that he would call ahead of time to let them know he was coming. When he called today, they told him that no, he couldn't go because they would be there, and "we don't want to have to see THAT woman." The original agreement was that he would call to INFORM them. They took it upon themselves to mean that he would not go if they were planning to do so. The girls are 16 and 13, so they are at that age where they are already trying to assert their independence from their parents. However, due to the situation, they can use it to give meaning to their struggles for independence.

Consequently, he didn't want to go because he is afraid of the conflict. The girls are constantly telling him when he can see them, refuse to come to our house, and are telling him that he is choosing me over them. I feel that they are playing on his guilt and totally manipulating him. I feel that if he continues to allow it, that he is, in a sense, handing them the power in their relationship. They won't be able to be manipulative in the real world, so what is he teaching them by allowing them to do it to him? I think that he should expect that, yes, there will be conflict, and they will be mad....because they are not getting things their way...but in the long run it teaches them an important lesson.

Another problem is that their mother enables them. She says that she will not "run interference" between them, that HE is creating the rift with his daughters due to his actions, and that she "pays the consequences" afterwards when she has to "mop up." She refuses to inforce the visitations, saying that they can choose whether or not they want to see him, but then blames him for the fact that don't visit which cuts into her "adult" time. Sometimes, the arguments I hear from the children about why they don't like me, the situation, etc. are repeats of things that I have heard her say. I am sure that she is unintentionally poisoning their view of their father with her words and actions.

We did end up going to the club. Mom and oldest daughter were there. She refused to aknowledge her father's presence the entire time we were there, but made sure we knew she was there by walking back and forth repeatedly. If it weren't such a sad situation, it would have been comical because she had to take the long way around the pool to do so.

The fallout hasn't hit yet, but I am sure it will soon.

Sympathetically Challenged

The problem with children is that you have to put up with their parents.
Charles de Lint

Perhaps it should say...the problem with divorced parents is that you have to put up with their children. Which, I might add, is not an easy thing to do. Particularly when you have become evil personified. I know that I should support PC when he talks about his kids and their accomplishments. He is, after all, proud of them, and rightly so. Any parent likes to extol about their kids. However, should I be subjected to hearing about things that only remind me that this is the source of what is deeply frustrating and hurtful in my life?

Alone

The most terrifying thing I can think of is being alone - and I mean utterly alone, like no one else in the world alone.
Paul Kane

Usually I like being alone. I tend to be an introvert, so I need time by myself to recharge. But lately, I have been spending way too much time alone...and not by choice...and it is beginning to weigh me down.

Being all alone gives me way too much to think, and then I tend to think dark gloomy thoughts, and then I end up in this downward spiral of depression. And I have a very hard time climbing out of that hole.

Looking for Flowers

For happiness one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh


Is it possible that there is calm in uncertainty? Or am I still suffering from utter disbelief? Things have definitely gone from bad to worse. Not only am I still jobless, but on Wendesday PC got laid off. Corporate "restructuring". (I will save my diatribe against the inhumanity of the executive echelons in the corporate world towards their employees for another post.) Yet I am surprisingly stoic about it. Sure there have been tears and anguish combined with doubt and worry, but I am trying to put up a brave face. One of us has to stay strong.

Yet, I am still worried. Mostly about the house. I have lived on less money, so that is not an issue. The house itself isn't even really an issue. It is the effect that losing the house would have on my children that plagues me. I am already incredibly guilty about uprooting them and dragging them clear acrosss the country so that I could maintain a relationship. Now that they have adjusted to life here, created new friendships...stronger than ones they have had in the past, I am running the risk of having to uproot them yet again. And I have to fight back the resentment I am feeling. PC told the ex that her rent will be paid. If he does that how will we pay the mortgage? Is it fair that they get to keep a roof over their head, while we are in danger of losing ours? Is my kids' emotional and physical well being any less important?

So right now I am looking for those flowers of joy, knowing that there may not be very many of them. But I am still looking. And hoping.